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| 'JEST' in fun |
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ANOTHER REASON TO JUST
'BE YOURSELF'
Jean, a middle-aged woman, had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. When she saw God, she asked if this was the end. God gently said, "No," and explained to her that she had another 30 or 40 years to live.
Upon her recovery, Jean decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. She figured that since she had another 30 or 40 years left, she might as well make the most of it, and look 19 again.
As soon as Jean walked out of the hospital, she was struck and killed by a speeding ambulance.
When she arrived in front of God again, she said, "I thought you had given me another 30 or 40 years!"
"I didn't recognize you," replied God.
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IN THE DESERT
A guy was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The guy asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The old man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your shirt."
The guy shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot! I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that dune there, about five miles down, there is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Go over that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The guy thanked him and walked away towards the dune and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the guy came crawling back to where the old man was sitting behind his card table. The old man said, "I told you, about five miles over that dune. Couldn't you find it?"
The guy rasped, "I found it. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
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THE DEVIL IN CHURCH
One Sunday a man walks into church and sits down in the front row. As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar. The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one man in the front row.
The devil notices this one man still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him. He roars at the man, "Do you know who I am?"
"Why of course I know who you are," the man calmly replies. "You're Satan."
"And you're not afraid of me like the others?" the devil asks somewhat miffed.
To which the man replies, "No. Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for the last 25 years."
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SOMETHING FOWL
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man boxes them up and hands them over.
Another week goes by and the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow," the co-op man replies, "you must really be doing well."
"Naw," says the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart."
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GAMBLING MAN
A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher, "Are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Yes", so the man says, "I bet you 50 bucks that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."
The butcher says, "I'm not betting on that."
"But I thought you said you were a gambling man?" the man retorts.
"Yes, I am," says the butcher "but the steaks are too high."
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THE RIVER
Three men are trying to cross a river. The first one prays and says, "Please give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! He grows huge arms and legs and swims across the river.
The second man prays and says, "Please give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! A rowboat appears in front of him and he rows his way across the river.
The third man, seeing what the others have done, prays and says, "Please give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river." Poof! He turns into a woman. At that point, she looks at a map, walks down the bank and uses the bridge to cross the river.
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THE TV
A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.
"It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.
He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done. "We put our TV away in the closet."
"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."
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HOME COOKIN
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.
The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible."
The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."
"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
"Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BURGLAR
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus."
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TWO CANDIDATES
Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily. Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain.
One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.
"That man's persistence," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."
"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."
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CUSTOMS CONTROL
A guy comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," replies the guy.
"Oh, yeah?" The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guy gets off the bike and the guard takes the bags and rips them apart. He empties them and finds nothing in them but sand. The guard has no choice but to let the guy go.
Next week, same thing. This time, the guard detains the guy overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover, again, that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
Again, the guard releases the guy.
And so on, and so on, for weeks, until finally, the guard can't stand it anymore. He has to know. So the next time the guy shows up at the border, the guard says, "Look. I promise not to arrest you, but I have to know. What are you smuggling? "
"Bicycles," the guy answers, as he rides away, smiling.
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The Monkey
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger
had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of
the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the
monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the
officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm
saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his
mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing
before they wrecked."
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
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THE VET
A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?" the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it," the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $1,330," the vet replied.
"I don't believe it!" screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $1,330?"
"Well," the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $1,300 for the CAT scan."
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The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)"
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment.
After the Pope insists, the Chief The Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50! ($0.42)"
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
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THE JUGGLER
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a policeman.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the officer.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."
The juggler gets out of the car and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now."
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OLD FRIENDS
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting, and enjoying each other's friendship.
One day the younger of the two turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally says, "How soon do you have to know?"
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THE OLYMPICS
There was an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman in Sydney. They wanted to go and see the summer Olympics but could not get tickets, so they thought they'd sneak in.
The Englishman saw a couple of kids playing with a Frisbee, so he took the Frisbee and went to the players' entrance. When the guard stopped him, he said, "England, discus." The guard let him in.
The Scotsman saw what the Englishman did and thought he could do something like that, so he took a large stick of wood he found by the side of the wall. When the guard stopped him, he said, "Scotland, javelin." The guard let him in.
The Irishman thought, "Hey, this is easy! No problem." So he looked around and found some barbed-wire. He took it to the entrance and said, "Ireland, fencing."
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THE BRIDE
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother explained, trying to keep it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"
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THE MISSIONARY
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on.
On his way to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one in the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped, too.
When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up, too. When the man sat down, he sat down. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up, too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No, I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well, yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
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Top Ten Ways the Bible Would be Different
if it Were Written By College Kids
10. Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips.
9. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.
8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
7. Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5. The place where the end of the world occurs: not Armageddon, but Finals.
4. Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.
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A minister was talking to small group of young children. "Who can tell me what we must do before we can expect forgiveness of sin?"
There was a moment's pause, then Tommy made a logical contribution:
"Well, sir, first we have got to sin."
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"Just think, children," said the missionary, "in Africa there are six million square miles where little boys and girls have no Sunday School.
Now, what should we all strive to save money for?"
"To go to Africa!"
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An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a
construction site with his wife. One of the construction
workers stops and calls out to the woman.
"What's new, Sara?"
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies.
She turns to introduce her husband to the construction
worker, and they speak for several minutes.
After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his
wife to ask how she knows him.
"Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him."
The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky
you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the
wife of a construction worker!"
The wife replied without hesitation,
"Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor!"
 
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